Experience Points: Foxes and Hedgehogs

Right now I’m reading a book by Nate Silver called The Signal and the Noise: Why So Many Predictions Fail — but Some Don't. In it he cites a quote from an essay by Isaiah Berlin about Leo Tolstoy that is attributed to the Greek poet Archilochus (I believe in giving proper attribution for quotes I use but that’s one hell of a chain of custody). The quote is, “The fox knows many little things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing.”

This week’s column is about one big thing made from lots of little things.

I guess I’d say the One Big Thing is “walking the walk” or maybe “putting your money where your mouth is.” It’s a chance for me to say that I try to follow my own advice. I struggle with this a bit as a life coach because I give out lots and lots of advice. It’s hard to follow all of it all the time. I do the best I can, of course, because it’s important to me to be authentic and sincere. My guess is few folks want to have much contact with (much less hire) a sincere hypocrite.

So that’s my One Big Thing. My Many Little Things reflect the (mostly) happy craziness that has swirled around me lately and how I’m dealing with it. Times when I’m confronted with chaos are the ones that most challenge my ability to follow all the advice that feels easy when things are calm.

As I mentioned in last week’s column, I’ve had to do some recovery from the loss of our dog; I’m coming along quite nicely. I had to tell myself to clear away the things that were going to remind me constantly of loss while I was only able to think of the pain. And I needed to be patient. It’s working. I still feel the sting when I see a pile of dark pillows on our sofa and do a double-take thinking it is Onyx. I feel it when I finish a bowl of food and go to put it on the floor for her to lick (we’re considering naming our next dog “Pre-Rinse”). But overall I can already feel that pain receding and being replaced by happy memories.

Meanwhile, I’ve been incredibly busy doing fun stuff. I’m fortunate to be in the midst of a run of five weekends being away from home doing happy, happy things. There is so much fun and relaxation that keeping it all organized and flowing is verging on stressful. I had to tell myself to plan as best I could, roll with the punches, remember I’m on vacation, and smile. This was especially put to the test Monday when I needed to get from a weekend of gaming fun in Boston to the North Carolina coast for a beach trip with my family. I’ve seldom encountered anything like the chaotic jumble of information which followed the cancellation of my direct flight from Boston to Raleigh that should have had me home in two hours. 15 hours later I made it to the beach. Then I drank three beers. I’m fine now, in case you were worried.

Speaking of my gaming trip to Boston, that was another test. This is probably one of the most fun gaming events I attend because the participants are carefully hand-selected by somebody who REALLY knows what amazing gamers look like. But that also means you are in the company of some folks who are intimidatingly awesome. You get the sense that it is an honor to be there, but also you had better bring your A-game if you want to impress them.

The two games I ran went pretty well, but I couldn’t escape the sense they were fairly run of the mill in the context of the incredibly talented folks who were playing. I was tempted to be pretty critical of my own performance. I needed to remind myself of a couple things.

First, these people are amazing gamers who run and play amazing games. But that doesn’t just make them tough to impress. It makes them people who enhance all the games they play. They were taking the stuff I was putting out there and making it better. They snapped up the plot hooks, made brilliant (or at least comical and well roleplayed) plans, and made sure that everyone had a good time.

Also, these weren’t simply good gamers. These were great people. Kind and generous and warm and friendly. You could feel they wanted you to succeed. And they weren’t going to sit back and make you do it by yourself.

Once all the dice were rolled and the dust settled, I told many folks about how I felt that, while everybody seemed to have fun, I had some concerns about the design of the games I had run. They were the exact opposite structure from those I prefer to run (this was Wide-Narrow-Wide instead of the superior Narrow-Wide-Narrow structure). The response I got was pretty universally that I shouldn’t sweat it and, if this was me off my A-game, they were anxious to see me at my best.

That’s another small thing I’d do well to remind myself and my clients. When you’re doing something you love with people who are awesome and want you to succeed, worrying is a pretty big waste of time. It will be good to take that onboard in the midst of all the fun times to come in the next few weeks.

What advice do you give that you think is hard to follow?

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

I'm an entertainment lawyer, and for years I've been trying to tell people- some in quite dire circumstances- that becoming a success in entertainment & sports is as difficult as any other discipline. Odds are good that you simply won't "make it"...especially if you engage in risky behaviors or do drugs.

I can deliver all the stories about successes and failures you want, but its hard to tell someone the simple truths without crushing their dreams or sounding like a hater. But this year, after all this time, I hit upon the formulation that is concise and to the point:

"Opportunities are rarer than talent."

Nobody wants to hear that. But its true.

We're all good at something. Sometimes, those things are valued enough by society that we can make money at them. But nobody is so talented that success is a sure thing. It doesn't matter how talented you are at what's you do, if nobody gives you a chance to prove it, you won't rise to prominence.

OK, its just an observation- how does it tie into the hard-to-follow advice question? Well, the reason I talk about opportunity vs talent is because I see so many people who think that they don't need a backup plan if their dreams of being a rock singer, author, or star running back never materialize. The old "all your eggs in one basket" saw has a deep truth to it: if, despite all your talent, you don't make it to the NFL or sell more than 3000 copies of an album, what do you do then?

"Have a backup plan."

That's the advice. So simple, so difficult.

Some people get it; most don't.

 

[Rel]

Danny, thanks for offering such constructive responses, week after week. I really appreciate you taking the time.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Got nuttin better to do.

Bonus second piece of difficult advice: view D'Mite's video, "Read a Book"- truest rap song ever written.

 

[Nellisir]

Very sorry about the loss of your dog. I have had pets my entire life, so I've had to have a number of animals put down, and it's not an easy thing.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

One of the best pieces of difficult to follow advice actually shows up in the movie, Roadhouse, uttered by Patrick Swayze's character: "...be nice until it is time not to be nice."

There are two bits of wisdom in there. The first part is clear-ish: be nice. People like nice people, generally speaking. And when your are not nice, they may well reciprocate. Not being nice makes life more difficult. For everyone.

Obvious, right? Except so few people follow it. They'll be nice when they think it suits them, and then mouth off to someone when they think it will do them good...or make them feel better. The problem is, you really never know who you talking to. I have a host of stories, personal and third-hand, in which Person A mistreated another human being, only to find out that that person had a great deal of power over how Person A's future would look, short term or long.

But the last part is just as important. Just because you are nice or are simply BEING nice, there comes a time when you must stand up for yourself or another. Its the way of the world. Even a certain carpenter's son in the ancient world once wrecked a few stores in a temple...

Even so, it isn't license to simply go off. The response chosen must be chosen with conscious thought, not merely a reaction. A mere reaction will probably not get the desired result. A considered one has a much better chance.

And living by both parts of that little Hollywood script means CONSCIOUSLY developing your empathy. Because if you can't view an interaction from a variety of positions, you're going to add more grit than lube to the workings of the world on balance.

 

[Rel]

I think I'm better at being nice than I am shifting gears to Not Nice when necessary.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Most people are, which is why I always come down on the side of "people are fundamentally good" side of certain philosophical arguments.

 

[diaglo]

i tend to throw out a lot of details. way too many it seems when we game.
last session the party was instructed they could cleanse an evil goblin temple, but avoid the village as it was heavily populated. and avoid the mountains near the temple as there might be giants (istanbul not constantinople). they had fought the goblins before and knew they used poison. they even gave some to their church to make antidotes.

so back to this session.

advice was flowing freely to questions asked by the party. potions and scrolls of healing. they had holy water. they found someone who had been to the temple.
but at no point did they take the antidotes.


my advice is always remember what has gone on before. heck, i do a run down of the last session before each new session.

4 or sometimes more brains and their notes plus laptops in front of them. and i was the only one to have prepped for the poison using goblins.

first goblin encounter... half the party is poisoned. doh.

edit: this is life in general for me. i often feel like Cassandra. don't forget your umbrella it looks like rain.

 

[Inez Hull]

The best and hardest to follow advice I have is to not give advice! Seriously. People do what fits with their own beliefs, values and where they are at in their life. However well intentioned, most advice will either be telling the person what they already know (condescending) or be inappropriate to what the person wants or feels capable of (unempathetic). I've found that listening genuinely, with the occasional curious and agenda-less question is as good as it gets. As soon as you start taking responsibility for the other persons decisions your ability to help is compromised. That said YMMV , this is just what I've found.

[all said with full awareness of the irony that I've just offered advice - in real conversation I would hope I wouldn't do it thus way]