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<blockquote data-quote="BSF" data-source="post: 1542543" data-attributes="member: 13098"><p><strong>Comments on "My God"</strong></p><p></p><p>OK Macbeth,</p><p>Nifty little story. I like it. </p><p></p><p>The first few lines were a little hard for me, but that could just as easily have been a plummeting blood sugar level as anything about the story. By the time Christi left, I was hooked and wanted to read it through. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>One thing I have trouble with while reading it is trying to determine Michael's "voice". I can't tell exactly how indignant he is that his plans for Christi are falling apart. I can't tell how he feels at Gabriel's arrival, I can't tell how bothered by the goat he is. You tell us a bit about these things, but I don't really feel them. You do a much better job describing Gabriel. </p><p></p><p>Now, it is not always easy to convey character voice, so don't take that the wrong way. But, if you can find a way to bring in more character then I think Michael would be a character that can be better empathized with. </p><p></p><p>Picture Use: </p><p>Yoshimay Kurosawa was great! Very interesting way to use the picture. I would really like to have seen more "soul borrowing" because it has some very interesting implications, and it is dang nifty flavor. It would have also established that ability a little bit more. If Gabriel had borrowed a soul from around the time period of when Michael's ancestors were doing such things, it would have helped make Yoshimay Kurosawa feel a little less forced. </p><p></p><p>The relics were interesting. A difficult image to tie in, but you found a way. It isn't the strongest picture usage, but I didn't think of it as a throwaway either. </p><p></p><p>The introduction of God is obviously important! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>The rest, might be described as nothing surprising, but nothing wasted either. I did like the comment on the lines in grandmother's face being representative of every secret she had learned. For me, that brings the picture into more relevancy. Whether everyone else will agree or not, I don't know. </p><p></p><p>Overall, I enjoyed it. I would have liked it to have been a little longer and maybe to explore some ideas in a bit more depth, but it was enjoyable and a bit thought-provoking. Always a good thing. </p><p></p><p>Anyway, I will see you tonight for the game. I will reserve my non-literary commentary until then.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BSF, post: 1542543, member: 13098"] [b]Comments on "My God"[/b] OK Macbeth, Nifty little story. I like it. The first few lines were a little hard for me, but that could just as easily have been a plummeting blood sugar level as anything about the story. By the time Christi left, I was hooked and wanted to read it through. :) One thing I have trouble with while reading it is trying to determine Michael's "voice". I can't tell exactly how indignant he is that his plans for Christi are falling apart. I can't tell how he feels at Gabriel's arrival, I can't tell how bothered by the goat he is. You tell us a bit about these things, but I don't really feel them. You do a much better job describing Gabriel. Now, it is not always easy to convey character voice, so don't take that the wrong way. But, if you can find a way to bring in more character then I think Michael would be a character that can be better empathized with. Picture Use: Yoshimay Kurosawa was great! Very interesting way to use the picture. I would really like to have seen more "soul borrowing" because it has some very interesting implications, and it is dang nifty flavor. It would have also established that ability a little bit more. If Gabriel had borrowed a soul from around the time period of when Michael's ancestors were doing such things, it would have helped make Yoshimay Kurosawa feel a little less forced. The relics were interesting. A difficult image to tie in, but you found a way. It isn't the strongest picture usage, but I didn't think of it as a throwaway either. The introduction of God is obviously important! :) The rest, might be described as nothing surprising, but nothing wasted either. I did like the comment on the lines in grandmother's face being representative of every secret she had learned. For me, that brings the picture into more relevancy. Whether everyone else will agree or not, I don't know. Overall, I enjoyed it. I would have liked it to have been a little longer and maybe to explore some ideas in a bit more depth, but it was enjoyable and a bit thought-provoking. Always a good thing. Anyway, I will see you tonight for the game. I will reserve my non-literary commentary until then. [/QUOTE]
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